On customer service and profanity

I have an inordinate amount of patience with 800 numbers, customer service and telemarketers.

If I call and 800 number for customer service, say Verizon or Spectrum, my goal is to resolve my issue but use gratuitous fucking profanity in a civil tone because this is a whole bunch of bullshit.

Oh sure, I don’t call 800 numbers for fun, but somebody is grinding out an 8 listening to miserable assholes and if I can make them laugh, even in my own quirky way, why would I not fucking do that?

Beth has heard this routing numerous times over the years and appreciates the level of civility, patience and fuckery involved. It usually results in quiet chuckles and burying her face in her hands, shaking her head in disbelief.

About telemarketers: Been there, done that

Smiling and dialing is difficult. Early in my financial services career we would have “phone nights” where a group of young advisers would dial from 5 to 8 p.m. Monday nights and 8:30 to 11:30 a.m. Saturdays. If you booked 6 appointments you could go home.

There were about 20 of us, some much smarter than me. A spray-tanned slickster, buff from the gym, a smoothtalking manchild with too much hair gel lorded over us, compensating for his insecurity by projecting phony confidence. He was a "manager." I make a new manager daily after my third cup of coffee.

He offered a $20 gift card to whomever booked the most appointments. I won that prize more often than not but soon realized I was bullying people into giving me an appointment which either didn’t keep or was garbage. I am not competitive but I don't like to lose.

One memorable couple in Tonawanda, for example, had me come to their cat-filled house 6 p.m. on a Tuesday. As I sat at the kitchen table, they both lit up Senecas. He was disabled. She was a hotel housekeeper. They rented an apartment, had no savings and $15,000 in credit card debt. They kept me there, eyes watering, wheezing from the smoke and cats for more than 45 minutes.

Anyway,  as soon as I could I stopped following that slickster's system, success began to follow. My reasoning was if I filled my calendar with garbage appointments I got garbage results. If I used real words and listened rather than following the slickster’s script, I would book real appointments and people would trust me.

At the core of that is that people don’t want to be bullshitted. Within 5 years only one person from that class of newbies survived besides me and that only happened because the boss declared him a manager.

Coming back to the start of this vignette, we all get those telemarketer calls. Rather than hanging up or being rude, be nice. Even if you tell them firmly that you are just not fucking interested.

How to ask for free stuff on the Web

A fishy tale

Over the last year or so, we have, at times, subscribed to Wild Alaskan Seafood. We purchased the introductory offer for 3 boxes and asked for delivery every other month. Then we canceled because the discount ended.

After about 6 months they offered a discount again so we reupped. If you want to try it let me know because if I email, you you get $50 off and so do we.

Anyway, we resubscribed, planning to buy 3 boxes over 6 months and quit. Box 1 it was supposed to be here just before Christmas. The order was delayed a week.

I emailed and asked if there would be anything extra in the box because the delay was an inconvenience. They added in a package of cold smoked Coho salmon slices, which they sell for $19.99 on their Website.

Yeti delivers

Last week my 1-litre Yeti water bottle dropped on our cork kitchen floor and broke.

I drink fresh-squeezed unsweetened lemonade all the time. (Tapwater with lemon. Herbs in summer.  It is good for you. I think.)

I went on the Yeti Website, researched the product and filed a warranty claim for the bottle I bought at Ed Young's in Williamsville. They sent an email that said they would only honor a warranty for a manufacturing defect but offered a 30% discount on a replacement.

I reluctantly went on their site and ordered a new bottle. The new customer discount that populated automatically was worth more than 30% off with free shipping. $22 is not a bad price.

I ordered but was annoyed. Then I sent an email.

“My water bottle dropped on a soft cork floor. Glassware has bounced off that floor without breaking. How is it possible a plastic Yeti water bottle broke on that floor if not for a manufacturing defect?”

Yeti didn’t admit fault but sent an email saying they were sending a new water bottle as a “customer service gesture.”

Now I have two "Yonder" waterbottles and like Yeti again.