The only thing better in Canada is the view

We visited Niagara Falls, Canada and it sucks. The only thing better than stateside is the view.

For 4 years, as a tour guide, I have been saying the same thing to every visitor.

“If you look across the river, that’s what you get when you are 90 minutes from North America’s 4th largest city.

“It is honky tonk. You can get it in Vegas, Atlantic City or anywhere else.

“Everything is expensive, and crowded. They have no nature like ours.

“You can go taste wine for $40 a flight, with a reservation, in a million dollar tasting room.

“Or you can go see Jim Baker at Chateau Niagara. His cab franc will be, objectively, better. He might have dirty hands because he fixes his own tractor. His dog Flynn may bark at you but he will explain his wine with a pride no Canadian trust fund baby ever earned. If you're lucky, he will pour you Bull’s Blood in the Hungarian tradition or Russian sacramental wine. He might even forget to charge you for your tasting.”

The truth is, other than leading some tours to Canada, I hadn’t been there just for fun in years.

Oh sure, our version of a Can Am tour was driving. That means Floral Clock, admire the Whirlpool Aerocar, taste maple syrup and go up the Skylon tower.

Alternatively, we park at Table Rock and walk to get a killer view of the Horseshoe, Bridal Veil and American Falls, while standing on concrete as cars and buses buzz behind you.

We bought a package to visit multiple attractions and ride the WeGo Bus. It cost $148.40 US for two tickets and gave us entry to numerous attractions as well as free parking at the Casino.

We decided to walk to Canada, leaving our car by the Schoellkop elevator and walking across the Rainbow Bridge. At the Canadian border, the guard was a jerk.

“Do you have your passports?” he asked.

“No, we just have our enhanced drivers licenses” I said.

“You are supposed to have your passports to enter another country” he said with increasing snark.

“We regularly drive to Canada and have never been asked for our passports” I said.

“I don’t know what it is with you Americans. You can go state-to-state-to-state with a driver’s license,” he said. “To go country-to-country you need a passport.”

With that he let us pass.

We worked our way along the car-framed sidewalk toward the Horseshoe Falls. The views as we went were increasingly spectacular. In fact, the view, even framed by traffic, pavement and car exhaust is the chief thing that is better in Canada. In the states, you can’t really see the Horseshoe, even from Goat Island, let alone all-three waterfalls framed by nature.

Canada pollutes our view with over-development.

We went into the Table Rock Center where our cheerful, patient Canadian host explained what attractions we had purchased and scheduled us for the Power Portal, Journey Behind the Falls and Whitewater Walk.

Everything in Canada is ticketed with the exception of viewing the falls as cars and buses buzz past.

The Hornblower Cruise, their Maid of the Mist equivilant, costs $42.95 CDN but tickets for the big stinky diesel boat are electronic and timed while our stateside attraction remains a no prior-reservation, wait-in-line attraction just like the 1970s.

We walked to the Power Portal. The museum, paying homage to Nikola Tesla while explaining the history of hydroelectric power, was spectacular. So was the Power Portal down below, tunnel that leads to a great view of the Horseshoe. It wasn’t the Cave of the Winds but was still spectacular in its own right. Ala carte adult tickets for the Portal at $32.

We finished there and took the incline railway up the hill, following signs for the food court. Sure enough, the Galleria food court was filled with mall-type junk food restaurants with over-priced, greasy food. Beth went for pizza. I went for a Tim Horton’s medium sized Oreo iced capp sugar bomb.

We headed back down the incline for our appointed time to Journey Behind the Falls.

$29 adult, $19 youth gets you a chance to queue up for about 35 minutes in a stuffy line and, eventually, take an elevator down to a dank tunnel where you can get a glimpse of the Horseshoe from behind if you wait for the other tourists to take a break from taking selfies.

We finished the journey and decided to take the WeGo bus to the Whitewater Walk. When we arrived, it was about 4:30 p.m. We had 5 p.m. tickets. There were at least 100 people standing in the sun with 3:30 tickets. Maybe some day but not today.

We turned around, got back on the WeGo and headed for the Rainbow Bridge. There would be no Aero Car either. 

We hit the duty free on the way back, snagging a bottle of bourbon and one of Vodka for about half what they’d cost in a local store.

A kind employee from Duty Free walked us to the turnstile which now takes cards. At the US Border, the guard was kind and let us pass without question.

We decompressed from the Canadian cacophony, walking back along the gorge to our car as I snacked on raspberries and some wild cherries.

As Annie Edson Taylor allegedly said after being pulled from her barrel, “nobody should ever do that again.”