Faraway places nearby

(We were gone in early May to visit Kent, Ohio; Cuyahoga Falls National Heritage Area and Hocking Hills State Park. I started in on a travelogue but Niagara Falls News kept taking precedence.)

Welcome to the ‘Deep North’

We love exploring new places and cultures. I told an Allstate friend where we were traveling. “You are headed into the ‘deep north’ ” he said, a reference to the anticipated redneck taint of rural Ohio. Most of is like central Pennsylvania or Kentucky, not Cleveland or Philadelphia. I disregarded his denigration and plowed forward toward Kent.

Our AirBnb in Cuyahoga Falls was awesome – the door code didn’t work but, as Beth called to find out why, and I headed to grab bags from the car, the building manager materialized (he must live where he works) and rectified the problem.

The flat we rented had a small kitchen, comfortable bed, off street parking and huge living space framed with oak woodwork, hardwood floors and vintage charm.

It was a short walk to a thriving downtown district. We ate at Butcher and Sprout and again at the Burntwood Tavern. Both were OK, not great.

The highlight of Cuyahoga Falls was the Jenks Building, a funky repurposed industrial space turned into an eclectic emporium filled with art, books, pottery, antiques, ephemera, a coffee shop, a bar and music space. Everything was for sale (except the duck bookends I asked about). We went there once with niece Maddie and had to go back the next day with son Joe (and Maddie).

We also visited the Kent Farm Market and came away with freshly fermented sauerkraut, a pound of primo coffee from a micro-roaster ($18 for 16 oz.) and a bunch of ramps.

After eating a few meals in Cuyahoga Falls, the one thing lacking is outstanding food. Nothing seems outstanding.

Visiting there has the added bonus that most people don’t come for an adventure on a wet spring weekend. If the forecast hints rain, please stay away. Aunt Lucy might melt (dang, Carlin has inflicted my psyche.)

Carlin? Oh yeah. In a Kent bookstore called The Last Exit where we snagged George Carlin’s “When does Jesus bring the pork chops.” His acerbic wit has my Catholic heritage in flames. Why do we always say someone who died is “smiling down on us”? I prefer to think of my friends Dave, Pete and Mark smiling up at me from the bowels of hell. We also grabbed a Carole King album. Kent is the next town over from Cuyahoga Falls.

About that word ‘Cuyahoga’

We visited Cuyahoga Falls and Hocking Hills visitors centers. At Cuyahoga Falls, a national heritage area, there were limited crowds, interesting displays and helpful staff.

“Have any questions?” an old guy with a white beard asked. “What does Cuyahoga mean?” I asked. He didn’t know. I looked it up. It does not mean “burning river” but Crooked River.

Was fascinated by the name because of the indigenous heritage and its lack of flow. Maddie, speaking slowly, said “Cuy-a-ho-ga” with four syllables.

Then in conversation, from Maddie and others, it got shortened in local dialect to “Cuyga.”

I listened to that and thought about Bufflo, Niagra Falls and Wes Seneca. (We all say Buffalo, Niagara and West Seneca that way without thinking.) I am sure no matter where you visit, there are examples. It’s the economy of diction. The cousin of the economy of language. Irregardlessly it keeps reoccurring again. Irregular grammar intended. Is irrgrammatical a word yet? There remain good words, bad words and those that have not been invented.)

As for the Heritage Center Guide

I asked if his job was safe because of federal cuts. He assured me Ohio has a Republican governor, as if that’s the biggest determinant.

At Hocking Hills we met a young naturalist who was quiet at first, almost shy.

He took a shine to us and said “I don’t usually do this but I like you guys.”

Then he wrote down 5 lesser-known places we should hike. Beth had already found two.

I asked him about how the Washington debacle has impacted him.

He said he had a degree in tourism with a focus on nature and education and had a federal gig lined up that would have required a move to Idaho.

“I decided to take a job here instead,” he said. “I would have been probationary and lost my job. I guess I chose wisely.”

“So you don’t have worries about federal cuts?” I asked. “Hocking Hills is a state park. So you are cool?”

He dropped a different bomb.

“No, not really,” he said. “Our budget is 40% federally funded. It will be a mess in August.”

I was glad I asked, and scared.

Hikes, Cuyahoga

The Cuyahoga Valley National Heritage Area is great, a beautiful place loaded with springtime ephemerals and a ton of raging waterfalls. It was pleasant to hike even in the rain. We walked past at least 6 waterfalls of varying ferocity including Brandywine. There were no apple trees.

We took a short walk to Brandywine Falls, and another Maddie recommended.

The trails were easy, well-marked and trash free. Small streams flowed angrily through swails that will be empty by the time school lets out and the crowds arrived.

We saw ramps, spring beauty, fireweed, trillium, dogwood and ephemerals I did not recognize.

Hocking Hills

We drove on toward Hocking Hills after leaving Joe and Maddie behind. Our Logan lodging was a comfortable cabin in the woods with a brook babbling by. We had some time to kill before check-in and saw a sign for Hocking Hills Winery.

It was about 70 degrees. “Wouldyoulikeatable” the waitress mumbled in a hushed tone. “We just want to taste some wine” I said.

“Youcanonlygetawinetastingwithtableservice,” she mumbled. “Can we sit outside?” She led us onto the covered patio and sat us down under a heater in front of the fireplace. We looked at each other and walked out.

A short drive away we found a brewery and had a much better experience.

Lodging

Our host met us to check into our gigantic cabin. It had a full kitchen, hot tub, two bedrooms, two living rooms and two full baths.

We asked him about bears because it looked like bear country but he said he hadn’t seen anything.

“If you do see something interesting, don’t be scared of it” he said. “Everyone around here has guns and someone else will shoot it.”

We decided to go back to town and get food. We used the phone to navigate. I intended to go to Kroger but followed a road sign rather than car navigation and landed at Walmart.

It was that “People of Walmart”internet page in real life with lots of obese people, scantily clad, zombie children walking blindly while playing video games and people with face tattoos and meth mouth. What a vibe. Way different from our mostly harmless Niagara Falls Walmart staffed with armed police officers and sometime the filming site of “Black girl food fight in the produce section. Peppers in flight. Flying avocados in aisle 3.”

Hocking hiking

We visited Conkle Hollow, a nice preserve with a boardwalk and waterfall. We took the easy path which was a bit crowded but short.

Rockhouse was spectacular. We arrived early in the drizzle. Only one car was in the lot. We hiked in through a beautiful forest and had the massive sandstone cave all to ourselves. Well ourselves and the rock pigeons. Like much of the hiking, it was short, an easy walk in.

The stone in the cave was carved with names and dates from 150 years ago or more because it was a tourist attraction back then, too.

Inside the cave, listening to the pigeons I looked in the distance and saw an adjacent waterfall. Having this place to ourselves for a bit was awesome. One of the people we spoke to told us in a couple months the tourists will be shoulder-to-shoulder and the waterfalls dried up.

Cantwell Cliffs was another short hike with multiple waterfalls and a really cool Rockbridge. We heard numerous warblers, some new to us. The place was pristine with spectacular mature hardwoods, well-marked trash-free trails and lots of spring wildflowers.

Bigfoot

Logan is the nearest town to Hocking Hills. We walked the cute Main Street before wandering into the Columbus Washboard Factory.
It is the only wash board factory in the United States and is almost as cool as Jenks.

The store/giftshop has a bigfoot theme because repeated sightings over the years make it a Nexus for true believers.

It’s become such a theme they even started a festival so seekers can find where they hide. The only pictures are blurry because, to steal from Mitch Hedburg, that’s what bigfoot are. Blurry.

I asked the clerk in the Washboard Factory if she knew of Rev. Peyton’s Big Damn Band. Peyton’s wife, Breezy plays a demonic washboard with steel-tipped work gloves.

“Her washboard’s come from here,” the clerk said, pointing to one on the wall. “I have seen video of her doing something you might not like.”

“I know about it,” I said. “She douses it in lighterfluid and lights it on fire.”

Peyton almost looks like he could be a Bigfoot himself but he’s never played the festival.

It was Cinco de Mayo so we decided to get Mexican food for our road meal. The first place we tried had no Margaritas. La Cascata was a different story with excellent food, Margaritas and a Spanish speaking server who brought us shots of tequila in test tubes, 1980s college bar style.

We shared the driving for the 6-hour trip home. Our Cuyahoga host messaged us because damage was found in the apartment after her next guests visited. We had a lovely conversation with her but assured her we knew nothing about a hole in the steel stovetop. We had followed all the instructions and took the trash out as expected.

Our Hocking Hills host contacted us to say thank you for leaving the place so clean. He and his wife do their own maintenance and it took them less than an hour to clean up after us. They were so pleased he even offered a free day if we visit again and pay for three. His place was already underpriced at $150 per night.

We decided to get a Cinqo de Mayo road meal. The first spot we stopped, Maya Burrito didn’t serve Margaritas. La Casata was

Somehow we navigated past Columbus on the way home but the drive, with a bit of rain, was uneventful.