Editor busted for chickens

Apparently, the thought that I have chickens and bees is frightening to the Niagara Falls Code Enforcement Department.

In fact, it is so frightening my wife and I were sent a letter saying chickens were observed at our home and we have until August 15 to dispose of them.

If I have chickens, it is my right under the 5th Amendment of the United States Constitution to not self-incriminate by admitting it. The 4th Amendment protects us against search and seizure. Molon Labe, baby.

Anyone who knows me knows I carry 2 pencils all the time in case the first runs out of bullets. Our right to keep and bear chickens (and pencils) shall not be infringed.

Why aren’t they pursuing state parks for aiding and abetting unlicensed honeybees with the weeds along the river?

Seriously, though, someone sent an allegedly anonymous complaint to Code Enforcement Officer Cliff Scott, who was forced from the Niagara Falls Housing Authority last year under unexplained circumstances and slid into the code enforcement office when the alleged Wheatfield resident who held the post left after allegations of impropriety toward staff. Yes, that sentence was rough for me, too.

Scott then ordered Nina Manzare to send us a letter. Part of it read: “A recent inspection of the above referenced premises revealed that you, as owner, are in violation of certain provisions of the 2020 property maintenance code.”

I left a message for Manzare, who was probably not happy, demanding to know when our property was inspected and if there was photographic evidence of said chickens.

Scott called me Friday morning on speaker phone with Nina in his office. He admitted there was no inspection and demanded I confirm there were no chickens in our yard.

I immediately started messing with him and asking for details on how many chickens were observed and when they were seen because if this was happening, I would contact the police to investigate.

Our call escalated with tension until my wife Beth, an unwitting and innocent party who does not enjoy when I poke bears, started to lose her mind. I had no choice because Beth is a saint. She puts up with my sense of humor but she does not enjoy when I needlessly instigate the government or humorless, self-righteous fear-mongers terrified of honeybees and backyard poultry.

I finally relented and admitted the only chicken at our home has 4-legs, brown, curly hair and likes to chase woodchucks, rabbits and squirrels.

I also mentioned I am surprised Mayor Restaino hasn’t seen my giraffe peeking her head over his fence. I will wait to see if I get a letter from code enforcement about it.

Scott said “now you are messing with me” and gave just a bit of a hint he might have a sense of humor.